Why am I afraid of forgiving myself?

The question, "Why am I afraid of forgiving myself?" delves into deep psychological and spiritual roots, and within the framework of the Holy Quran, it can be beautifully addressed. While the term "self-forgiveness" in its modern psychological sense is not explicitly used in the Quran, the divine verses comprehensively discuss regret, sin, repentance (tawbah), and the boundless mercy of Allah, which can alleviate and remove this inner fear. In essence, this fear often stems from a misunderstanding or incomplete grasp of Allah's vast mercy, or from a deep sense of guilt and shame that traps an individual in a cycle of self-blame. This feeling of despair, instead of being a catalyst for correction and return, becomes a barrier to spiritual growth and inner peace. The Holy Quran consistently invites humanity to hope in Allah's mercy and warns against despairing of His presence. This message is clearly articulated in Surah Az-Zumar, verse 53: “Say, 'O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by committing sins], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.'” This verse alone serves as a spiritual healer. Allah directly addresses “My servants who have transgressed against themselves” (meaning those who have wronged themselves with many sins) and explicitly states that they should not despair of His mercy. This indicates that even very grave sins are insignificant in the face of divine mercy and can be forgiven, provided that a servant returns to Him with a sincere heart. The fear of self-forgiveness is, in essence, a form of despair in this very mercy; it is as if the individual believes their sins are so immense that even Allah’s mercy cannot encompass them. This is a mistaken belief and a great suspicion of divine generosity, which contradicts the reality of Allah’s grace and forgiveness. One of the reasons for this fear might be an incorrect understanding of the concept of repentance (tawbah) in Islam. Repentance in Islam is not merely a verbal act but a sincere, heartfelt, and practical return to Allah. Sincere repentance (tawbah nasuh) comprises three fundamental pillars: first, genuine remorse and deep regret for the sin committed; second, a firm and practical decision to abandon that sin and not return to it in the future; and third, making amends for what can be compensated, such as returning people's rights or making restitution. When a servant returns to Allah with such sincere intention and firm resolve, Allah promises to forgive them and erase their sins. Surah An-Nisa, verse 110, states: “And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” This verse further confirms the boundlessness of divine forgiveness; it is enough for a servant to turn to Him, and they will find Allah ready to forgive and show mercy. This forgiveness is not merely a promise but an inherent attribute of Allah's sacred essence, who is always awaiting the repentance of His servants. The fear of self-forgiveness can also stem from the notion that a sinner is unworthy of peace and must remain in perpetual anguish and guilt. However, Islam regards the purpose of repentance as a return to purity, peace, and forward movement on the path of righteousness and piety. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The one who repents from sin is like one who has no sin.” This noble Hadith indicates that after sincere repentance and its acceptance by Allah, the sin is erased, and its spiritual effects are removed, freeing the individual from the burden of guilt. Therefore, if Allah Himself erases the sin and opens a new page for the servant, continuing to suffer and self-blame is, in essence, a form of non-acceptance of this divine mercy and a lack of trust in Allah’s promise. This “fear of self-forgiveness” can be a significant barrier to spiritual growth, feeling close to Allah, and achieving true happiness. Furthermore, the Quran teaches us that Allah is “At-Tawwab,” meaning the Ever-Returning, the Accepter of Repentance. This divine attribute indicates that Allah is eager for His servants to return to Him and is pleased with their repentance; He not only does not punish but also rewards them. Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 222, states: “Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves.” When Allah Himself loves the one who repents and expresses His affection for them, why should a servant fear that their repentance will not be accepted and consider themselves unworthy of forgiveness? This divine love itself is a strong reason not to fall into despair on this path and to return to Him with complete hope. To overcome this fear, an individual should focus on the grandeur of divine mercy and Allah’s attributes of “Al-Ghafur” (The All-Forgiving) and “Ar-Rahim” (The Most Merciful), instead of dwelling on the magnitude of their sins. This focus helps them break free from the trap of self-blame and reach the light of hope and inner peace. Additionally, performing good deeds after repentance, such as maintaining prayers, giving charity, helping those in need, and serving humanity, can help strengthen one's sense of worth, compensate for the past, and create a new chapter in life. These actions not only contribute to the purification of the soul but also show the individual that they can tread the path of goodness, leave the past behind, and build a future full of hope and blessings. Ultimately, the fear of self-forgiveness is a type of Satanic whisper that seeks to distance humans from Allah’s mercy and the path of salvation. Satan constantly tries to make people regret their actions (in a negative way that leads to despair) and trap them in hopelessness. However, the Quran invites us to seek refuge in Allah from Satan and his whispers. By relying on the Quranic promises of Allah's boundless mercy, sincere repentance, and striving for compensation and correction, one can overcome this fear and attain heart and spiritual peace that results from the unconditional acceptance of divine forgiveness. This peace, in reality, is what constitutes “self-forgiveness” from an Islamic perspective: accepting that Allah has forgiven you, and that you also have the right to be free from past suffering and move forward with hope, living a fruitful and meaningful life.